Stark Reality...

They say that Christmas is a time of birth, a time of giving not receiving, a time of cheer and merriment, a time for thankfulness. But how many of us centre this time around those things? How many of us truly cherish what we have?

I know that for alot of people this time is about putting social graces first, about doing things for the sake of doing rather than giving, for nothing more than the possessions that we seek to exchange on Boxing Day.

A few weeks ago I was faced with the part of Christmas that I most hated, the lines in the stores, the bah humbug attitude of shoppers and to my surprise a few discriminatory words in a parking lot. It made me seethe, so much that I called everyone in my life to tell them of my woe but what I didn't understand at that point was how blessed I was to have that encounter.

You see because I stand here in this nation at this time in history to feel the remark thrown at me, and I am now grateful because I have the ability to walk away, to ensure that I do not think like that. That I do not force that stark reality on anyone else.

Then last week I went out to do something that I haven't done in years and that was volunteer at Christmas, to serve food at a soup kitchen. As I walked in those doors my eyes swam with the realization that to many this was homecoming, this was shelter, this was a place of safety. Somewhere that for many of us coming to volunteer that day was a place that we wouldn't visit while we stopped Downtown, somewhere that we professed to "know" about but somewhere we refused to live.

I felt all these emotions rush through me but none of it was as sincere as the look that I faced when I looked up and saw the sincerity of a young man who was taking a bowl of soup and turkey with eyes filled with something that I couldn't place. Was it shame? sadness? Was this the face of poverty? No, it was sincerity, grate fullness and a genuine smile that transcended the place we were in.

One look as a thousand looks made me see that I was part of this crazy world but while I was moaning and groaning about life, about bills, about being underpaid, about all the things I did not have. I was looking across at a smile that came from his eyes, his lips and his soul. He was a person truly grateful for where God had placed him and he was not letting it crush him, while I was finding ways to put one foot in front of another.

The stark reality of it all is that you cannot stop being grateful of who, what, where and why you are here. There are so many things that you can change, but many circumstances that you cannot. You and your life deserve the ability to not be afraid, to carry yourself through your life.

No one else can take your place.

Courage comes in many forms but the greatest test of it is to live your life despite what people say, do or what's most felt, what they do not do.

You can live your life,
I will live mine,
neither has to mean less.

I will ensure,
that my own,
will never feel slighted,
never feel this way.

I cannot predict any future,
but neither can you.

I have loved despite your downfalls,
despite your choices,
despite your ability to leave others in their place,
while they commit sins against your own.

I am not an issuer of judgement,
but it does not sit well with me,
now or before,
how one sin is washed away,
while the other is not.

The calmness of your denial,
hurts,
but no more than the terror,
you still allow to consume us.

When will it be over? You ask.
I ask myself that too.
When will it be over?

When you realize,
that the greater issue,
is not mine,
its yours.

As long as you cater to our destruction,
I will continue to ask.

Years pass,
aging continues,
but nothing changes.

The want for change is ending here,
I will not be a continuance of your destruction.

Cosmopolitan...

says that you may think I don't see my mistakes, but I do, you may think I do not see the less than perfect consequences, but I do...see what you don't see is that my love is just as good as yours and maybe just maybe I am stronger than you think. Your consequences were yours, mine are mine, but at least I am not living under the assumption that others do not see my reality...as you do.

Sometimes when you make the wrong decisions and things don't turn out the way you assume, there is alot more than just the mistake out there to deal with. You deal with the backlash of all the people in your life that are there to witness it and usually those who reference it for your life time. I have found that alot of life is filled with wrong decisions, possible mistakes and usually untimely events but that the essence of life is making your way through them.

I have for a long time felt ashamed or lesser as a person because of certain mistakes that I have made and certain issues that are still at a forefront of my life. I have always felt bad about things that now in retrospect I should have never felt bad about, but that in itself is a learning experience.

Hours ago, I stood in front of a person who showed me that one thing will never change in my life, and that is the fact that you don't know me. You don't know the highs in my life because you only concentrate on the lows. You don't know my happiness from my sadness because you refuse to be part of my life. You only want your segment and your ideals of what is good for me, never have you put aside your concept of reality for mine. That should have been clear to me from the outset but sadly it wasn't, its certainly clear now.

People say that family is a foundation of life but what is the point of building with bricks but nor mortar? Its as useless as a glass house.

See its easy to measure people with the yardstick of life, but harder still to measure someone by the hurdles they have overcome, because some people never encounter them either due to what they may consider "good choices" or simply the inability to live life. The assumption that some are better than others because as of a certain time they have accomplished certain things does not make them a better person, nor a good person.

There can never be cohesion when you cannot even see parts of the issue, when you cannot face the reality of those who are part of your life. I am not fighting for your acceptance anymore, nor your understanding, I am going to carry on as others do and keep my thoughts aside.

See I have realized my greatest mistake and that has been the hope that you would for my sake, accept. But now I realize that I will have to create for me, outside of this, and stop denying me.

But one day you will realize that to deny me is to deny you.

I am not...

I am not an Athenian or a Greek but a citizen of the world. ~ Socrates.

I am not one thing or another, I am not only one person but of a people, I am not here nor there but if needed I can be anywhere.

In life it is easy to subject others to your views, to your wants, to your ideas but it is undeniably hard to subject yourself to theirs.

In a world so large and unyielding its hard to see that your own kin would be harder to understand than strangers but that is mostly true.

I started this blog on the assumption that those who read it would understand a bit more about me, or at least would come to know a bit of what and how I think.

See what is most important to me has never been to fit in but to understand why I do not fit in.

In times of war and anguish the object of the game seems to fit neatly into a category so that everyone can make assumptions about your cause but that cannot be true in a time where most people are not homogeneous, are not one thing or another but a mixture of the world. Being static is no longer an option. Movement is key both in mind and body.

I am opposed to alot of things and stances but I am most opposed to one of closed mindedness. I have always wanted a few things clarified about myself that I will note today,

I am parts of many communities but have never been obliged to join any because DNA should be the only prerequisite, not your stance on any issue or ritual because ultimately the basis of ethnicity and nationality are determined at conception and not birth. I do not choose who I belong to, it was chosen for me, and ultimately the only person I want to own me is eternally unavailable for clarification until Judgement Day.

These past weeks have shown me that for alot of people contribution to community and family is something that they note through money, time and exclusivity rather than feeling, birth and love. That is to me quite unsettling because regardless of any of those things, belonging is not something that I would choose on a tally system. Denial of someones birthright does not come at a convenience to anyone, it does not come because of a difference of opinion and it certainly does not come from the removal of association for a few years.

My race, my religion, my multiple ethnicity's may not be normal to you but it is my reality and before you comment on anyone's sense of community educate yourself on their background, you may find more than your looking for.

Remembrance of a person can come from a fleeting moment, to a second, from a minute and certainly from a lifetime of moments.

A few untruths can never break a bond that was cemented at birth, but it can certainly cloud your judgement of a person.

Remember to find out why a person is unlike you before you cast them aside.

Plea.

To denounce violence is to keep those close to you safe. To denounce violence is to keep those close to you alive. To denounce violence is to allow everyone the ability to choose their own fate.

By taking up a weapon you give no one a fighting chance, you take away their life not only at the cost of theirs but many others. See when you seek to end some one's chances of fighting back, you end the ability for all of us to fight back. When you take some one's life because of a weapon you are ruining much more than one life, you are ruining the chance for peace for everyone.

When you took his life, you took mine, you took all of ours.

So help me, help him, by helping you. See I know that whoever you are,you understand what you did and that nothing will rest with you until you come forward and take responsibility for the violence you committed. You know that by taking his life you have severed yours as well, because how can you live with this on your conscience?

We seek not to harm you, because he himself denounced violence by holding true to Gandhi's words. We are not looking to blind ourselves, we are looking to see clearly and hear clearly, so that we may live on to carry his memory forward.

The strength it took to take his life is nothing compared to what its going to take to come forward and accept your due, but it can be done, and if you would at least make amends then we can move forward.

The chance exists for you to change your life's course...as you have changed his.

Denounce violence by taking your life in your own hands, try and save yourself in the greater picture.

God shall see your actions on earth and determine your fate in the hereafter so do not take your actions lightly.

As they say it takes a village to raise a child, and as we have raised him, we have raised you, so allow us to help you, we must show you right from wrong before this seeps further into your life and you destroy another life.

Detonation.

Detonation,
screaming,
fire,
Noise.

Light in the distance,
crowds gathered in the city,
waiting in anticapation,
for something anything to happen.

A girl who ran away from the crowd,
screaming for her mother,
frantic parents,
searching for their child.

Sirens,
Police barracades,
Roads closed,
People watching t.v. late at night.

Pandemonium breaks out,
in the crowd,
around the t.v.,
in the streets.

Noone knows what going on...

It's a protest,
it's a child lost,
It's an assasination,

No, its just Canada Day Fireworks across the City, across the country.

See the great thing about being Canadian is that we don't have to imagine the worst, we can have all that anticipation for something less than gunshots, less than bombs and still have the freedom to fight for what we believe.

Being Canadian is great, don't forget it.

Sorcerer

No more fairy tales.
No more tales period.

See our history together was a fairytale,
and once I thought I was cast as Princess,
with a sideline to be Queen.

Irregardless of circumstance,
I have been your wife,
your partner,
your magician.

There is no drama left,
no text messages to be seen,
no late nights to be wondering where you are,
no one I care to know about.

The spell has unworked itself,
the story has lost its meaning,
the end is elusive,
but its there surrounded by lost dreams and memories.

See I tried to make your dreams come true,
but you cannot even partake in my daydreams.

The silence of our story resonates now.

Those we cannot tell,
those who cannot see,
those who wish it weren't there at all.

Our fairytale is just that,
a tale that unfortunately is devoid of a fairy.

She isn't coming,
but she's waiting for you out there,
only you know what she looks like.

So take the book,
the next pages are empty,
my magic is done,
my spells aren't working...


I guess I've lost hold of the magic.

~ N.L.